Status Update – Wins and Losses

So, it’s been eight days since my last post: -1 point for me.

I started a workout routine, based on the bodyweight exercises in nerdfitness with a friend of mine: +1 point for me

I have eaten well most days: +1 point for me

I have eaten poorly most nights: -1 point for me

My points equal 0.  I also feel this way.  I am really struggling with eating or lack thereof at night.  This screwing up any progress I make during the day with my nutrition and/or exercise.

I don’t know why I am being so self-sabotaging.  I am really upset at myself and feel like a failure. again.

I need to do better.  This is a huge sticking point for me. What I think I’m going to do, is focus on not eating too much at night, aka binging, for the next thirty days, and I’m not going to focus as hard on the other changes I’m making, since this is absolutely the biggest challenge I deal with in relation to lifestyle changes.

If you guys can offer any tips whatsoever, please do so.

I have tried, brushing my teeth after dinner, only drinking water, etc.  I can’t seem to get any of these tricks to stick.  I’m so frustrated and disappointed in myself.  I’m capable of so many other things, what is so hard for me about this?  I can’t even narrow down the emotion or though process that is triggering this.

Any ideas? support?

Sh***y, B***chy Mood has Ended

Sooooo…. last week I wrote about how I felt rejected etc.  This is a huge trigger.  Probably the largest trigger in my life for getting into a bad mindset, pity party, self-loathing, etc.

In general, whatever I do, I put all my heart and effort into it.  In this case, I did not disappoint.  I felt rejected and started on my all-out, no holds barred, pity party.

This lasted from Thursday until last night, Sunday.

After finishing my celebratory self-loathing festival, I came to a few conclusions:

1.  I understand if I get rejected for my weigh.  In all honesty and true hypocrisy, I don’t want to date someone sloppy looking or overweight.  The reason, I feel justified to feel this way, is because in my head, I look something like Halle Berry, however, I forget people see me in a more realistic fashion, such as the way I really am, something like Rebel Wilson.

2.  Since I don’t like the way rejection based on my weight makes me feel, I should do something about it.  Since I’m already doing something (this, d’uh), YAY ME!!!

3.  Since I’m dedicating this time in my life to working on myself, my weight, school, etc., I don’t feel that it’s beneficial to me to be dating right now.  I’m vulnerable and I don’t want to set up any stumbling blocks for myself.  As such, I’m off looking for a date for the next short while.  Of course, if I perchance happen to meet someone who looks like Idris Elba, sings like Ne-yo, has an income like Bill Gates, with the intelligence of Einstein and the athleticism of Michael Phelps, and falls in love with me, I won’t write them off. 😉

Back to the grind….

Sh***y, B***hy Mood

I’m in a sh***y, b***hy mood.  I will catch up my posts in a day or two, when I cheer up.

On Self-Image

Self-Image.  The best and worst mirror of who we are. 

When my head is in a good space – I’m happy with myself, I feel in control and productive – I do well.  I’m kinder, more patient, calmer and overall make the right decisions. 

When my thoughts are not in a good place – I hate myself, I feel a loss of control and get depressed – I perform poorly.  I’m impatient, angry with myself but take it out on everyone else, and I make poor decisions.

To put this into context of my day, Monday, Sept 1, 2014.  I woke up in the morning in a great head space.  I hadn’t binged at night – the first in a long time.  I was proud of myself, I felt in control of myself and I was in a cheery, patient, calm and loving mood.  I ate well for breakfast.  However, at night, I ate poorly and my self-image completely and instantly tanked.  I was angry at myself, impatient with my daughter who ended up bearing the brunt of my self-loathing through no fault of her own, felt a loss of control and disappointment and loser-ness in and of myself.

It’s unbelievable how one little thing can so deeply effect me.  If only the potato had the ability to realize the power of a chip to my entire psyche!

My personal mindset and self-image is so hung up on the food I put in my mouth.  When I eat well, I’m happy, otherwise, I’m miserable.  I need to get better with this.  I need to remember that my intelligence, accomplishments, the home and family I’ve built, the love I extend into the world and the kindness I try to display every day, don’t diminish with a slip-up.  I don’t know at what point in my life I started to equate my self-worth with a chocolate chip cookie, but I really have to stop and see myself for more than that.

In reality, I’m at a loss as to how to go about changing this, but I’m hoping that some of you have ideas.  If you can think of any good advice on this, please post in the comments.

On Binging

In the last post, I discussed honesty.  Now I want to discuss the binges and my self-image.

The binge.  I loathe this word.  To me, it represents failure, disgust and lack of self-control.  The reasons I binge are many.  There are the psychological ones and also the physical causes.

On the psychological side, I binge because I tend to handle my emotions through food.  It’s stupid and illogical, and I’ve been doing it for years.  When I’m lonely, hurt or bored, I eat.  When I’m celebratory, I eat.  Then I’m hurt/upset at myself and I eat to compensate for that.  The other thing I ponder, is there a bit of self-sabotage mixed in?  Meaning, is there something I am getting out of being a fat-ass which I like, in some twisted sense?  I haven’t worked through this last one yet, and I need to think on it some more.

On the physical side, I didn’t eat or sleep well, which encouraged a foray into poor judgment and eating too much.

What can I change in the future to avoid repeating this?

1. I will avoid losing control with my schedule or at least calculating that in.  So instead of not eating from 8:00 AM until 4:30 PM, at which point, I’ve lost all touch with my discipline and I am simply inhaling food, next time I have an appointment, I will take along some fruit and nuts to tide me over.
2. I will spend some time in my head working out why I engage in self-sabotage.  What am I afraid of?
3. I will start taking into calculation my emotional state when I sit down to eat.  Is my eating based on an emotion, or is my eating based on an actual hunger signal.

On Honesty

In the prior post I said the following:

I am humiliated to post my mistakes in public, since I love to think of myself as perfect, and my imperfections, not as a character flaw, but as a victim of circumstance.  An example of this would be, instead of saying “I’m fat, because I eat too much and don’t exercise”, my victim or circumstance self says, “I’m fat because I have the genes from my mother’s side of the family”. 

In general, I (and I’m sure other people as well) love to have a benevolent view of my mistakes and flaws. Instead of being a “stubborn mule”, in my head I’m “strong”.  Instead of being “hormonal or emotional” at times, in my head “I’m passionate” and as mentioned above, instead of being “fat, because I eat too much and don’t exercise”, in my head, I’m either “full-figured” or “fat, because I have the genes from my mother’s side of the family”.

Most importantly, instead of “having a benevolent view of myself”, I’m simply “lying to myself”. 

Oftentimes, I say how important honesty is to me, but I think in actuality, honesty, especially to oneself, is not an easy thing to face or hear.  However, I am aware that honesty is what will ultimately help me be successful in a weight-loss and fitness quest.

As such, although it is humiliating to post my flaws on a public blog, with images (somehow that makes is more “real” to me), for all to see, I want to be successful more than I care about the humiliation. In addition, even if I don’t post the pictures and mistakes, it’s not like that will make the additional calories disappear; it’s not like if I don’t tell anyone about it, I will be able to hide it.

Hopefully, keep myself honest and accountable to myself first and all of you second, I will be able to finally change my behavior and weight in a lasting, long-term fashion.

Overwhelmingness

I know overwhelmingness is not an actual word.  However, that perfectly describes the state I’m in – overwhelmingness.

Yesterday I started reading about nutrition and I got to thinking about how far away I am from my goals and the overwhelming feeling of “I can’t do it”, just came over me.  I just stopped reading in the middle of the first lesson in the nerdfitness academy.

I lay awake from 10:00 PM until 2:00 AM just stuck.  I can’t believe how much work this is going to take and I’m afraid to get started or moreover that I will fail yet again.

I know other people have done it, but it feels surreal to me, like in 10 years I will still be the same fat, out-of-shape person I am now.  I don’t want to be.  I really want to do this, but this means a long, long journey and I’m scared I’ll fail.

I spoke with my mom about this and she mentioned that I should just start.  Once I start, it’ll start the momentum.  I am grateful for her advice and in my mind I know this to be correct.  It’s my heart and emotions which are wimping out.

We’re going to start from the top of the first nutrition lesson again.

 

I Don’t Have Time For X

The next challenge discussed is how we use “I don’t have time for x” as an excuse. I am definitely guilty of this.  What nerdfitness teaches is to replace “I don’t have time” with “Is not a priority for me”.

For example, I don’t have time to exercise, become, exercising is not a priority for me; or I don’t have time to cook/prepare healthy food, becomes cooking/preparing healthy food isn’t a priority for me.

When phrased this way, it provides a whole new insight into our truthful motivation for not doing a particular thing.

Stings a bit.

Creating a Support Team

The next step in the nerdfitness academy is to create an accountability and support team.  I understand the need to create an accountability team to check in on me, and one of the suggestions offered, was to create a blog for other people to read/comment.

This prompted the creation of this blog.

I find it easier to get support from strangers.  I will invite some friends and family to read on my progress here and support me.

All kinds of feedback are encouraged, as long as they are constructive and supportive, to reword my mother’s advice, “if you have nothing nice to say, Shut the f*** up”!

 

Reward Program

The nerdfitness team recommends setting healthy rewards.  For example, not to reward myself a donut if I work out, but instead pick something else, such as  new shirt, etc.

I have decided to establish the following reward system for myself:

1. For each night I don’t binge, I will pay myself 5 shekel.
2. For each day I exercise five minutes, I will pay myself 5 shekel.
3. For each day I walk five minutes, I will pay myself 5 shekel.
4. For each Sunday that I plan and prepare my food and snacks for the week, I will pay myself 30 shekel.
5. For each day I go to bed on time, I will pay myself 5 shekel.
6. For each week  I have complete all the tasks, I will pay myself and extra 20 shekel.

This can potentially add up to 190 shekel a week (around $55.00).  The reason I’m going with this reward system, is because I can’t think of anything I really want as a treat.  Movie nights bore me most of the time, going out to eat is ok-ish.  This way I can spend the money how I like, sometimes a massage, sometimes a new pair of earrings, or something.